0V|2 7VV1573T) /^^\1|\|T).txt

--Establishing Connection--

--Log.30/11/24--

☆

|I Dont Know|

  • I really dunno what am doing, honestly, i dunno what to really add to the website, i dunno what to do with my art

    Thats not to say that i dont have ideas, i do have quite a lot of ideas, ideas for furry porn drawings, ideas for comics, ideas on what to talk about

    Opinions, art, music, performance, writing.. So many things i want to do, so many things i dont feel like i have the ability to do, so many things that i dont know if people would care if they were created, so many things that i know i wont fully be fulfilled about when i finish them

    So many things in my mind, yet i dont know if i actually want to do them

    But i guess i do actually know what i want. I want community, whatever that means. But it just always seems so weirdly out of reach,, And i just dont know what to do anymore

    • *sigh*

  • Looking at it, i think we've always been chasing this illusory idea of belonging, of being appreciated for our work and liked by people. Thats why we wanted to go to college, study STEM, had the dream of being an astronaut or something.

    That obviously didnt happen, fate or luck and ourselves had different plans,, we just started to really hate society, for reasons that have been forgotten, things i can only realize now by feeling them, things that changed ourselves forever

  • We started retreating, slowly at first into our machines, into places where no one could really see who we really are, comfortable spaces, that werent as stressful as physical reality, places where we could be more than just an awkward thing, pretending to be human.

  • Virtual worlds, videogames, messaging platforms

    The appearance of people around you

    Interaction with them, optional

  • I still think they are nice, they feel like home. It was the place in which we first truly learned to socialize

  • Cuz we were raised by the internet.

  • Raised by the likes of random comments, memes and even porn.

  • Raised by select sounds amidst the unrelenting noise.

  • Raised by a thousand voices who couldnt have known i was listening.

  • Raised by roleplay sessions, affection imparted by raw text.

  • Raised by text and images shown in a small or a big screen, text and images that created illusions of sensation inside our brain.

    Raised by illusions, illusions that are real, tangible.

  • But there was something in there that wasnt fully real

    It was us, it was how we kept ourselves safe, maybe even from before we even settled in the virtual world

  • I remember being told to be careful on what you reveal of yourself to the internet, and we took that to heart. I still do, and i can't say that it didnt keep me safe, im sure it did, but as it is with many things, the same strategy will never work everywhere

    I think we got too good at not calling attention to ourselves, after all, blending into the background is what kept us alive, its what gave us praise.

  • Be good at things but not too much, have personality and opinions but only superficially

    Be charming, but dont call for attention

  • And so, we made friends, we stayed around people, but never started anything

  • Never fully hated, never really integral to any group

  • Genuine enough to bond superficially, never enough to be truly known

  • Fondly remembered, easily replaced

  • Facade and truth fused, not even ourselves knowing what part was truly, "us"

  • Because the real us is too much, even for ourselves

  • And now we carry the loss, a loss of multiple groups, of partners, friends, and family

    Since we were children till how we are now

  • Revolving door of friends, partners and groups

  • And because we're human, sadly, we still long for more, to reclaim what we lost and finally truly feel at home somewhere

    And we keep trying, not really feeling like we are actually moving anywhere

  • And again and again it doesnt really feel like its working at all

  • We're around people, we have friends, we got people around, yet it feels like if we disappeared nothing would really change

  • And we know that's not true, yet the feeling remains the same

  • I dont know what we're doing wrong, i dont know what to do

    I just know that

  • I want community

  • I want love

  • I want recognition

  • I want safety

    • And i dont know how to get those things, i just know that i have to do art, because it feels like the only thing i can do

  • Express ourselves

  • cuz thats the only thing we can do

  • Express myself

  • Cuz thats the only thing i can do

--Connection Lost--

--Shutting Down--