hgh, honestly i feel pretty damn weird writing about this, but, whatever, we haventt had a journal entry in a whiile, and, idk i do think i want it out of my chest.

so yeaaa, i got banned from tumblr thiss time, honestly, kind of expected considering they have been banning trannies left and right and we weeeere kinda pedoposting, so, i honestly felt like it was sorta innevitable at one point...

idkkk,, im not, particularly torn up about it, like, as i said it was sorta expected, it just, took a lot of wind out of my sails,, i was feeling prettty damn well rightt before i got banned, it actually felt like the things i was saying actually reached somewhere, and also, i was making friends,, and atleast im glad that i managed to get them back not without muchh fuzz about it

overall, i think i dont have it as bad as the other girls that are getting prosecuted in there, this is only my first time it happens, and other girls have had to deal with this shit for far longer and far worse,,, and,,, idk how to feel about that?? the whole situation sucks,, its clear we are not really wanted in there, its clear they wanna get rid of us,,, but, yknow, ig the "community" is still in there,, i honestly think it has been the group of people that i feel like they actually have the same if not pretty damnn similar interests to us, and i think having a public space like that is very valuable,, even if it means hacing to get banned and remaking and getting banned over and over

but, ig what fucks me up riiight now is like,, what if it happens again,, i dont think i can feasably have a backup of every stupid postt i make, and i like my posts,, i didnt wanna lose them.. i can't really trust to have a backlog of things to look back upon anymore,,, we liked looking at our old posts,, our old little ruminations that honestly i shoulda uploaded here too, but i didn't cuz i felt like it didnt really fit "the aesthetic" or whatever,, guh, really, kinda stupid thing for me to think,, who cares about the aesthetics for this,,, i think the format we chose was kinda straining how much we actually could say in here, we should be able to drop whatever the fuck we want in here,, its, our website after all... so im kiiinda dropping the whole, conversational, DM's style of the journal's page, or atleast dropping the pretense we are gonna make stuff like that regularly,, and just start concentrating on monologues again, cuz we are really good at monologues

anyway,, idk.. it has felt for a while that anything good that reaches me must be taken away almost immediately, but atleast this time i felt like i did get something out of it,,, i atleast knew i had some friends that would follow me again once i remade and i think that means a lot.. each time i manage to claw a little bit more of something, and keep it even if i lose everything else and i like that

i still think that i did lose a sizable ammount of something,,, its kinda like if they burned my diaries, somewhat,, now the memories are all that remains..

and idk if its good or sad that im getting used to lose things,,, everything is not eternal, everything is gonna die, at one point.

yet being scared of that hasnt really helped us deal with that in any way... it really seems like the solution is to just not be scared

ig, so what if they kill me,, i will wake up again, and i'll stay kicking,, each time more wise, each time with a little bit more resistance

being afraid of death doesnt really make sense if staying still and withdrawing because of fear is designed to kill you too, might as well go down fighting,, might aswell be loud so they can notice when you are gone